One of the worst times in my life
If you're not familiar with the word "devaluation," it refers to the phase of a relationship when a narcissist starts acting abusively and taking advantage of you without warning.
You witness the person you love verbally and physically mistreating you as they lose interest in you. It's the phase that follows the "love bombing" phase, in which they show you plenty of affection and attention and convince you that you two are meant to be together.
Typically, the discarding phase follows the devaluation phase, during which they mysteriously leave you.
I wasn't aware of what was happening at the time, but I could sense something wasn't right. Something about that relationship was clearly fake, my gut told me. She frequently gave me the silent treatment without any cause in an effort to make me feel insecure. She was aware of my weaknesses. and willingly took advantage of them.
I realized at that point that she was torturing me mentally.
I started putting off going to bed so I could spend my nights surfing on Google for stuff like "signs you are in an abusive relationship" or "signs you are being emotionally abused." On blogs and forums, I was searching desperately for solutions.
I needed confirmation that she was the issue in the relationship and not me, and I wanted someone to reassure me that I wasn't the problem.
Then, for reasons I can't recall, I found myself reading about narcissistic personality disorder symptoms on a psychology site. And I realized I was likely involved in an abusive relationship with a narcissist.
Since diagnosing a mental condition requires more than a quick online search, I could not be certain she was a narcissist, but at least I recognized the connection was very toxic and not good for me. I made the decision to break things up.
When she called me later, she started talking to me politely once more and asked if we could go out to dinner the next night. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt and accepted it, telling myself things like, "I'll beat her at her own game," "She'll learn the lesson," and "She'll understand she treated me badly and apologize, so things will be like before."
I had a secret desire for things to return to how they had been during the Love bombing phase.
Therefore, I began my own devaluation process. I made the decision to come across as busy and distant. I wished she would realize what she was losing and begin lovebombing me once more. That, however, was not the case. The biggest mistake was thinking it may work.
I wasn't very knowledgeable about narcissistic personality disorder back then since I was too ignorant. The truth is that narcissists just do not behave in such a way.
She realized I knew what she was doing to me, that I could see what was beyond her mask, and that she couldn't control me any longer, so she began the discarding phase. She has ceased responding to my texts. Then and began calling me on a regular basis, like every other day.
She kept contacting me in order to keep me around; this is something that practically all narcissists do.
It was at that point that I realized the only way to deal with a toxic partner and recover from such an awful situation was to break the connection with them. I blocked her on all social media, blocked her phone number, and went no contact.
To protect yourself from additional abuse, avoid contact with a narcissist when ending a relationship with them. If you do not stop contact with them while you are ending the relationship, they will try all in their power to make you regret your decision.
They may try to injure or provoke you, which is not something you want to go through while you are recuperating. They may even try to bring you into the cycle of abuse.
I quit that toxic relationship during the Christmas season, when I was back in my home with my family.
Being surrounded by people I care about really helped my healing process. I went on a trip with a 2 beautiful girls to a private location after spending time with them, where I also found the strength to quit the drugs. During those weeks, I realized that I was stronger than I thought at the time.
Now I'm greatful I went threw it
Leaving that toxic relationship was the best decision I've ever made, yet I'm pleased I went threw it.
I'm pleased I was a survivor of narcissistic abuse because I'm a lot stronger today than I was before. I learnt how to spot toxic behaviors and now know when to keep my distance from someone. I learnt to create appropriate boundaries from the start of any relationship.
I also realized something important:
how you are treated by an abuser does not define who you are. And this thought completely changed me, giving me the courage to heal and begin a life free of abuse.
What I Discovered
Now I'd like to show you how to spot a narcissist. The following are the most crucial things I discovered:
1. Narcissists seek attention.
Their fuel is admiration. They talk a lot about themselves and how wonderful they are – without asking you a single question about yourself. They may dislike you if you fail to show your regard.
If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you've definitely observed that whenever you bring up something about yourself, they always find a way to make it about them. Their desire for admiration and attention comes from a lack of self-esteem. They require common affirmation from others because it compensates for their innermost insecurities.
2. Narcissists seek power.
Their obsession is control. To feel in control, they may do or say things that provoke an emotional response in you. If they know your triggers, they will most likely use them against you repeatedly.
They are pleased when you react because they have you exactly where they want you. They are confused if you do not reply as they expect. And then something interesting happens: you defend yourself. They literally go insane when they are not in charge, therefore if they can't handle you, they will look for an easier target and leave you alone.
3. Narcissists lack empathy.
Narcissists are too self-centered to put themselves in the shoes of others, and, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, "they are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others."
When you try to speak about your feelings in regards to them, they either ignore you or become angry with you. You always feel as though you are walking on egg shells when attempting to talk with them.
4. Narcissists and the silent method.
If they don't get their way, they might punish you by giving you the silent treatment, in which case they won't speak to you for several hours, days, or even weeks. This behavior is being done with the purpose of making you feel bad about whatever you said or did.
Narcissists always use the silent treatment on their victims as a means of control. You are only able to prevent any form of response.
The stages of relationships.
You will experience the three usual phases of a narcissistic relationship: love-bombing, also known as idealization, devaluation, and discard.
As was previously mentioned, the honeymoon phase, or the "love-bombing," is when the narcissist lavishes you with affection.
When things begin to change, the devaluation phase begins. Your emotional torture may begin when the narcissist reveals their actual selves.
When the narcissist breaks things up with you, you become the throwaway.
As soon as you realize you are dealing with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is leave the relationship while it is still in the devaluation phase to spare yourself the suffering of the discard phase. And keep in mind that you deserve healthy love even after abuse.
If you choose to quit a toxic relationship, keep in mind that staying out of contact and concentrating on your healing are the greatest ways to safeguard yourself from future violence.
You are the most important person in your life
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